I decided that I wanted to start a blog that was just about my infertility journey and our path towards starting our family. It has been a long journey to say the least. It's had it's ups and downs that's for sure. I know how much other blogs about trying to conceive and infertility have helped me in my journey and my hope is that I can help other woman who are struggling with infertility. It's not easy to share our stories of infertility. Most people don't understand and don't know what to say. Sometimes all we want is just some to talk to who will just Listen.

Now on to my story. I will try to make this as brief as I can, but it's hard for me to condense everything when so much has happened. So if this goes on and on and on, my apologies.
 The beginning...

From the day I first started my period back in junior high, I have had very painful periods. I had very painful cramps and my periods were very heavy. Later on in High School it got to the point to where I had to take prescription Motrin for the pain and would be doubled over in pain for days. I missed a lot of school in High School because of this. When I was 17 I went on Birth Control to help ease the pain and lighten the bleeding and it helped. Over the years as I got older the pill started to not do the trick. I would go to the Dr just for them to tell me continue taking your pill and Motrin...nothing is wrong you are fine! For awhile, I believe them. As the years went on, things started to get worse. I had bowel issues, bladder issues and painful pelvic pains. No Dr would take me seriously. They would send me for ultrasounds and that was it. Cysts would show up but they always said they were nothing to worry about! The pain went on for years without knowing what was really wrong. I just figured the Dr's were right and that I just had to deal with the pain.

I moved to Virginia in August of 2007. I started a new job the end of Feb. 08 and thankfully had great health insurance. After being at my job for only two weeks, I was in the Emergency room already. I was in so much pain I thought something was seriously wrong down there. I had horrible shooting pains on my right side near my ovary and I couldn't move. They checked me out in the ER to only tell me a cyst had PROBABLY RUPTURED but that they didn't see anything on my right side. So I was given a shot of pain meds and sent home. This time I knew something wasn't right. At the time I had an HMO for my health insurance. I decided it was time they took me seriously. Went to an OBGYN the next day and finally saw a Dr listened and was concerned. She ordered an MRI immediately which confused me but I went with it. This MRI was the magical moment. They finally found something. From what they could see, I had Endometriosis. I went for another ultrasound that showed I had a few cysts one being 4.5cm (which is rather large). The Dr said that these findings would explain the pain I have had over the years! Endometriosis causes very painful periods and a whole list of painful things. She said that I needed to have surgery to remove the cyst and the Endo. I wasn't comfortable with having this surgery with the HMO that for years never listened to me. I was fortunate enough to be able to switch health insurance and found an amazing OBGYN. She agreed that I needed the surgery. In July of 2008 I had surgery, Laparoscopy to remove 2-3 Endometriomas (blood filled cysts) and Endometriosis. She said I was covered inside. The Endo was on my left ovary, bladder, bowel and pelvic side walls. She removed what she could and said that I should be clean for awhile.

By September I was in pain again. I was having the same horrible pains again. I went for another ultrasound and they found that the cysts and Endo had returned already. My Dr said you need surgery AGAIN, but this time I have to cut you open! I freaked out! I had never had major surgery before. I knew that it was a must. It had to be done if I wanted to have children. In January of 2009 I had a Lapartomy {like a c-section} and I lost my left ovary due to the endo. It had basically taken over my whole left side and in order to safe the rest of my reproductive organs, I had to have this surgery. She cleaned me out once again, and told me that now is the time to get pregnant while your cleaned out. We had been trying to get pregnant, but it wasn't working. I just figured that it would take extra time due to my circumstances. I decided that I really wanted to know what the prognosis was for my husband and I have children. I made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist with the Genetics and IVF Institue for June 24th, 2009. This appointment changed everything. I never knew I would hear what I had heard. They ran a series of test on both my husband and I and we were devastated when we found out that we would not be able to conceive on our own! I was told that I had premature low ovarian reserve which is early menopause. My egg production was at it's minimum and that I was left with fewer eggs that an average 30 yr old woman. Being left with only one ovary, we had only my right to rely on. We were told that our only chance of having a child was through In Vitro. What? I was in shock. We both took it pretty hard but knew that there was nothing we could do about it now. Endo causes infertility and I never understood how bad it could damage things. We had a lot to think about.

We decided that we would try IVF. We signed up for my first IVF cycle to begin September 10th, 2009. Due to the issues we had, they would have to do IVF with ICSI where they inject the sperm straight into the egg for it to fertilize. The more we learned and the more we talked about this, we became more and more excited and hopeful. I am fortunate that I have great health insurance that covers infertility. So we were covered. I started my injections on the 10th and took them for about 2 weeks until the Dr's saw that I had a good enough amount of follicles to retrieve. Since I only had one ovary, my response would be about 1/2 of what it would be if I had two ovaries. These two weeks were very emotional. One day we were told I wasn't responding well to the meds, to the next day saying I was. All I knew is I wanted enough eggs to fertilize to have some to freeze and enough to transfer to my uterus. On Sept. 25 they were able to retrieve 9 eggs. Out of the 9, 5 fertilized, and by the end of the 2nd day after the retrieval, only one survived. I was very upset. This meant we only had one embryo to transfer and our odds were that much slimmer. I wanted two and some to freeze. But no, we were left with only ONE! I took it pretty hard, but knew it was all in God's hands and if it was meant to be, it would be. We had the transfer and two weeks later found out that it didn't work. This was the saddest day of my life. We saw a picture of the embryo saw what could of been. It didn't make any sense. Why didn't it take? When you put all our infertility issues together, my body has a hard time producing good quality embryos which makes them harder to implant. I didn't think I could go on. I felt like we had lost a child. It was the worst feeling. We knew we couldn't do another cycle because we had exhausted all of our benefits. My husband was not ready to do this again and I never knew if he would be. For months and months I always wondered what he was thinking and if we would ever have kids.

My body needed time to heal. I had to just wait it out till July 1st of the next year to try again. This is when I could switch health insurance for full infertility coverage again. These past 8 months have been very difficult especially for me. My body continued to be in pain and I couldn't figure out why. I kept getting cysts and the pain just wouldn't go away. I didn't like not doing anything to try to get pregnant. I hated the waiting. My Dr suggested that we try naturally with Clomid even though we knew it wouldn't work, at least we were trying something to help the time go by till July. This didn't work either. It was so frustrating...month after month of NEGATIVES on pregnancy tests was just unbearable. I went to a follow up ultrasound on March 1st and found out that I had 3 cysts that were 6.5 cm and was told by my OBGYN that I needed surgery AGAIN right away! I couldn't believe it. How much more could my body take. I had surgery on 3/10 and she removed the cysts and got all the endo out she could see. Once again, it was everywhere. I asked her what can we do to prevent this from growing back before July? We both agreed that it was time to stop trying on our own {wasting our time and energy} and to start birth control so that the endo couldn't grow back and set us back again. She was worried that if I didn't get pregnant by July that I would have to have a hysterectomy. So to be safe and to make sure that nothing could grow, we decided to put me on the Lupron Depo shot that puts you in menopause temporarily - it basically shuts your system down.

So on Wed. 4/28 I had my first shot. I will have another in May and June and then July we will start our next IVF cycle with a new infertility clinic. We were not happy with the way we were treated and have been referred to Shady Grave by my OBGYN. So for now, I continue to take my birth control to help subside the menopausal side effects - yay for me and wait till July. As nervous as I am to do this again, I'm really excited this time. I have learned so much about infertility and my body. I have a totally different attitude this time and I feel so much more prepared. I know what I should expect and what not to from these Dr's. I feel that we have a better chance this time being in better hands. I'm taking the extra steps to prepare my body to help us have a successful cycle. Believe it or not, there is an IVF diet to follow to help improve your chances. At this point I am willing to try anything. We are excited but also very nervous. We are ready to start our family and just pray that this is God's will and timing. This next cycle will probably exhaust all of our infertility benefits if not give us 2 cycles out of it, so if it doesn't work, I don't know what we will do. We can't afford to do this out-of-pocket.

I finally feel hopeful again! I have been so down in the dumps these past few months that I am ready to never feel like this again. All we want is our take home baby as we IF woman call it!=) The support of our family and friends is very important to us. Infertility is a very lonely journey and having those around you support you means everything. It's a huge roller coaster of emotions going through IVF and the ups and downs are tough. Not knowing the outcome is what was really hard for me. Thinking one day I was pregnant, to the next loosing hope.

I have wanted to be a Mom ever since I was a little girl! I wish my body was normal. I wish I was one of those woman that can get pregnant with the snap of their fingers. If you are one of those, you don't even know how blessed you are! Thinking about our baby being created in a dish is hard to accept. We want nothing more than the chance to make our baby out of love but have had to come to terms that this will never happen. Yes, this baby will be made out of love, but in a much much different kind of way. We continue to pray for God's blessing and that if the times is right, he will bless us with a child. I have had to hold onto hope which hasn't been easy.

I'm sure I have left things out, I'm almost sure I have. But, this is my story and I look forward to being able to continue to share our journey with you. The posts might not be as interesting these next few weeks, but once we start this next IVF cycle, I will have lots and lots to share with you on a daily basis.

...If any of you have any questions, comments or just want to say hi, please leave me a comment or feel free to email me. Remember you are NOT alone in this journey. We are here for each other. I have some wonderful friends who are going through the same infertility journey that I am, and having others to share with that understand what you are going through means so much to me. If you need support or just someone to talk to, there is a great online support group that I am part of that has been a huge blessing to me during this tough time. Click here: http://dailystrength.org/ and go to the infertility support group. It's a wonderful group so check it out.
 Thanks for reading my story! SEE HOW I CAN'T JUST GIVE A SYNOPSIS OF MY STORY? I could go on for days.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey!!!!!!!!

Thanks,

Lauren

..Lupron Depo Shot #1..

On Wednesday April 28th, I had my 1st Lupron Depo Shot.

Can you say ouch?

Going through IVF, I've given myself lots of injections,

but my DH gave them to me and he was so gentle.

I had to go to my Dr's office to get this done.

The nurse took forever to get the needle into the muscle.

I was so sore that night and I'm still sore now.

Here is what I'm talking about:

Nice huh?

So far I feel ok.  On Wednesday I was a bit nauseous and my back really hurt,

but today I just have a slight headache.

I don't feel menopausal yet!

I really hope that I don't.

It's only for three months and it's worth it to have a baby!

So my next shot will be May 28th, then June 25th,

and then IVF in July!

The countdown is on!!!!!!!!