..Still hanging in there..

Hi blog friends!  It's been a few weeks since my last post so I thought I would just say a quick hello!  Things are going ok.  Still no AF and my body has no idea what it wants to do.  I've been having some pretty intense hot flashes and some yucky CM which I will NOT go into detail about! So not fun.  I have my next sonogram/blood work next Tuesday @ 7am to check my uterus lining, the size of my ovary and my FSH level.  From here, if everything is pretty much the same, we will start the MOCK EEP cycle.  This will be about a month's process so more waiting.  Even if things have changed for the better, this still does not change the damage of my ovary.  My FSH could lower, I could get a period or my lining could thicken, but if the ovary is damaged these things don't matter.  God has definitely been working in our lives.  As this now more than ever.

My granpda is very sick and won't be with us much longer.  He has a great sense of things to come and him saying that he see's our baby out there meant a lot to me.  His vision became so clear to us last week.  God has opened doors we didn't think we would be going down or going down so soon.  I don't want to jinx anything, but we've been approached by a friend about a possible adoption of an un-born infant.  My DH and I feel like this is the road that we are suppose to take right now.  I have never felt more at peace with my infertility than I do now.  I have come to terms with the fact that I may never bear my own children and I'm okay with this....yes shocking I know!  If you trust in the Lord, then you trust his will for your life.  I trust Him and I know that he will make us parents even if it's  not the way we had in visioned.  Adopting this baby is a gift that we could never have imagined.  It came as a complete surprise and we are waiting to hear more information to see if the girl wants to meet us.  It's a complicated situation and we are just praying that if this is meant to be, than it will happen.  Once we have more details, I will do another post.  Right now, we are just asking for prayers that if this is the road we are suppose to go down that we don't get our hearts broken in the end.  It's exciting but very scary at the same time!

Other than the usual, things are good! 

I hope everyone is doing well!!!

I look forward to updating more on the possible adoption!!!! :)

Much love,
.Lauren.

..There is hope..

With the devastating news we heard last week, I'm finding it harder to get the energy or the desire to post any updates.  When I have good news, I can't wait to post!  I don't have the energy to re-post the same thing on different sites, so I apologize that I keep pasting my posts from my other websites.

As you all know I had my follow-up with my RE last Friday!  Things went well.  He really explained things clearly and I feel so much better about going the donor route.  I trust him and this is important.  He has our best interest at heart!

I went for my Thyroid testing on Monday and I have fabulous news....MY THYROID LEVELS CAME BACK NORMAL!!!!!  This means no meds!!!  I guess you can have elevated thyroid levels along with high FSH but it doesn't mean it's a thyroid issue and this is my case.  YAY!!!:)  So one piece of good news is a good start!  Finding out I passed my background check was the best news I could have ever heard last week.  Knowing that I have 4 IVF cycles (I can't find anywhere saying it doesn't cover donor) not sure if they cover donor yet, but just knowing that we have the coverage, gives me so much hope.  I got a whole packet on the donor cycle and it makes more sense now.  The most affordable option out-of-pocket would be the Shared Donor Risk Program.  With this program, you have 1 donor and 2-3 recipients of the donor's eggs.  It's one flat fee of $30,000 per couple and a portion of this cost goes to the donor.  This includes 6 fresh/fet donor cycles and if at the end of a 6th cycle you don't bring home a baby, you get your money back in full.  If we did this option, we would have to take out a fertility loan possibly hoping we would be approved.  Right now a baby is more important than a house and if this means we have to be $30,000 more in debt, it's worth it to have a child!  It will work out one way or another I just want our baby in our arms so I can put all this pain and struggle behind us.  It takes a strong and caring man to accept our situation and I couldn't be happier that I have the husband that I have!  I feel so blessed and I thank God for him everyday!  Crossing our fingers for a Dec 2011 baby or a Jan 2012 baby if all goes as planned.  Donor cycle would possibly start in Feb. if not by March.  I'll find out more once we get into the donor program.  I can't wait to find out when we will be starting! Another count down haha!

Here is my journal post from my other site from Friday:

Hi ladies!!!! 

So I had my followup this am. I'm feeling much better about things now. As hard as it is to accept the cards we have been dealt, I truly believe we are in God's hands and will answer the desires of our hearts to be parents. 

I really love my RE! He is wonderful. I'm so thankful for him. So he basically told me that by my sono on Tuesday he could tell that my ovary was in bad shape. It is very small and it shouldn't be. My lining is way too thin for the point my body is at after being on the Lupron so he kinda put two and two together before he even got the blood test results. He didn't want to give us false hope, but said there could be a chance my ovary is still in a state of shock from the surgery in March. But even if is, I still have very little ovarian tissue remaining that would make it almost impossible for a cycle to work with my own eggs. But he wanted to give us both scenarios. He said our best chances are with a donor. He wants me to come back 10/5/10 for bw/us to see where things are at. If my FSH is still at 42 then we know we have to go the donor that my body has just shot down. If it's lowered, then we still have to weigh our options but the fact that my ovary is so damaged, it's not worth the heartache to go through our own ivf cycle to only be let down. 

We most likely will be going down the donor route. After my appt on the 5th of Oct. my dr wants to do a mock EEP to check to see if my body can carry the baby. I would be give injections of estrogen and provera to induce my period to see how things look. As long as I respond the way I should, we are good to go to start the donor cycle. He said that it typically takes anywhere from 3-4 months to get to a pregnancy with the donor cycle. So if we start in Jan, we are looking at prolly a April ET! We have to figure out the financial part of it as well. Hoping my new job's insurance covers donor eggs. 

hign FSH explains my god awful hot flashes!!! LOL 

Do have some good news!! DH's SA came back great! Unlike the last one back in July 09. 

July 09 SA:  --------->  All aprox...can't remember exactly the #'s!
20 MIL count 
43% motility 
4% morphology 

Sept 10 
87 MIL count 
53% motility 
7% morphology (anything above 5% at my clinic is considered normal) 

We are thrilled with these results!=) Thank you Jesus!!!!!! 

So, for now I wait for the results of my thyroid testing, wait to see if a period comes before 10/5 if not then 10/5 bw/us appt and start the Donor cycle process! 

Thank you so much for all your wonderful kind words and all of your love and support. I know I have said this a lot lately, but I just can't say thank you enough. You all are so special to me and I'm so thankful to my wonderful friend AMBER for introducing me to DS! Thanks girl!=) 

I'll post again when I have my thyroid results! 

Have a great weekend! 

Much love, 
Lauren

..How does anyone prepare for the worst..

No one is ever prepared when they get shocking devastating news!

This happened to me yesterday...came out of the blue as a complete shock!

I'm part of an online support group with other fellow woman suffering with infertility and I decided instead of writing my story out again, that I would paste my journal that I wrote today on my message board of infertile friends! These woman have been amazing in supporting me and each other and I can't thank them enough for all their continued support and prayers!=)

Here is my journal post from today from Dailystrength:

This journal is a hard one for me to write. I'm so confused and upset right now that I can't even think straight. I've always known that eventually somewhere down the road that I would have to have a hysterectomy due to the severity of my endo. I always thought it would be after we had babies. I've had a total of 3 surgeries: Laprascopy in July 08, Laparotomy Jan 09 (removal of left ovary), and another Laprascopy in March 10. A year ago when we first started the IVF process my ovary was in descent shape and I had an FSH of 12.4. High but not too too high to not be fit to use my own eggs. We had an unsuccessful cycle as many of you know and always wondered why and what all the reasons were. Now things make more sense. At this time my right ovary had endo spots but not a lot and nothing to worry about just yet. Then this year my cysts grew back out of control and had to be removed. They took over my ovary and I remember my OBGYN saying that they tried to save as much of the ovary as they could. She teamed up with a specialist surgeon with my surgery and felt I was in the best hands. So from here, we knew we had to act quick on having a baby because of my ovary that was in poor shape. Never ever did I think it was this bad. 

Being on Lupron for 3 mo we never noticed anything different because I couldn't have periods while on Lupron. I felt awful, gained weight, was tired all the time, and just wasn't myself. We've been waiting for 10 weeks for my period to start and I could tell yesterday that my Dr was concerned. Something wasn't right. When my thyroid came back elevated deep down I knew things were not going in the right direction. But this is a fixable thing. When my nurse told me that my RE wanted to speak with me further that afternoon, the anxiety hit me. What was he going to tell me? 

I have never in my entire life felt this much pain and sadness. He said to me that he hated having to tell me this over the phone but wanted me to be prepared for when I see him next. He basically said based on the blood tests that he ran, my ovary is so severly damaged that there is hardly any good ovarian tissue left. That it's damaged from the endo/surgeries. Ok, I kinda knew this but didn't know how bad this could really get. Then here is the kicker. He said my FSH went from 12.4 - 45!!!!!!!!!! WTF!! I asked him if this could be from the Lupron and he said no that Lupron would actually lower my FSH. He said I know this isn't what you want to hear but we may have to start think about another plan that we didn't anticipate and that is donor eggs! OMG, are you serious? Now, before I've even had the chance to have my own child. I asked him if he thought my surgery could have caused this and he said maybe some, but you have an underlining condition that is causing you to have surgery that it's inevitable that you are going to have damage down there. He said that he wanted to pursue the special thyroid testing and to come in to see him ASAP. I'm going to see him Friday at 8 am to discuss everything and what our options are now. He felt so bad telling me this over the phone. Having an FSH this high makes it basically impossible to have our own children with the added damaged ovary. We are trying to stay positive and wait to hear everything on Friday but it's so hard. I'm devastated! I've dreamt my whole life of having my own child and especially a little girl. I can accept God's will for our lives, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't make me incredibly sad! 

I have a wonderful DH who is so supportive. He is ok with the fact that we may have to use donor eggs. He sees it as our child no matter where it comes from. I do too, I just can't get past this sadness and pain right now. I feel like I have been cheated out of a dream of mine and that I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. My other concern is our insurance now and in Jan with my new job if they cover donor ivf cycles! If they don't, I have no clue how we will afford this. So I have some calls to make today. I know we will get through this, it's just not something I expected to hear yesterday. I am in shock with how high my FSH is! Doesn't make sense to me how it sky rocketed like this in 1 yr. 

I will know more Friday and I'm so anxious to hear where we go from here. We are in need of many prayers right now and I thank all my DS

We are in good hands with a wonderful RE and I trust that he will take us down the right path to get to our take home baby! 

God, please send me peace and the strength to get through this difficult time! Thank you for your never ending LOVE!!!!!!! 

Much love, 

Lauren

No one is ever prepared for this kind of news!  I sure wasn't.  I've always know that my issues were serious.  I knew that eventually I would have to have a hysterectomy because of my endo but I always thought I would have a baby first.  There are no words to describe how I feel right now.  I wasn't expecting to hear this news.  I knew that I was in the early stages of premature ovarian reserve (early menopause) but I never thought it would get so bad so quickly.  The damage on my ovary isn't surprising to me and I had high hopes that it would be healthy enough for at least one more IVF cycle.  The FSH is what puzzles me.  I could see it going from 12.4 - to like 20 but from 12.4 - 45 in one year?  What happened?  I don't understand and I'm so confused by this.  A FSH of 45 is like being a 40-45 year old woman.  I'm no where near this age and it's shocking to hear that my body is shutting down reproductively.  

I'm thankful that my Dr called to prepare me so that I would be so shocked and surprised at my appointment on Friday.  This shows me he really cares.  He was so shocked himself.  We know the odds of a regular IVF cycle working with my eggs and we accept this!  Even if there is a small chance it could work, it's too much of risk for us to take without knowing the outcome.  I want to hear my Dr's opinion and to hear exactly what we are up against and what the donor egg route looks like.  This can be a complicated matter when dealing with insurance companies because most don't cover IVF donor cycles. I found out today that my previous employer gave me wrong information about my infertility benefits and even though we changed plans, because I have already exhausted my lifetime maximum of $12,500 with Cigna (insurance before now) that I have no benefits left under my new plan.  It's because my previous employer capped the lifetime at $12,500 under any plan.  Are you kidding me?  We were about to go down this path of starting this IVF cycle and if we did none of it would have been covered.  So even without all these current new issues, we couldn't do IVF right now.  We are crossing our fingers that my current job becomes perm so that I can go on their benefits.  They offer 4 IVF cycles but we are unsure if and what their lifetime maximum is.  I believe is $50,000.  This would mean they would deduct my already used $12,500 from previous insurance and minus it from the $50,000 and the remaining amount would be what I have to cover any IVF cycles.  Since I'm not an employee yet, just a temp I'm not sure how much information I can find out about their benefits.  So this added to my day of "wonderful" news!  I just can't believe no one every told me this or explained it to me in this way.  I'm so glad I called.   So now we wait until Jan. to start this cycle.  For now, we will go forward with the thyroid testing and treat this and get it under control to be ready and prepared for this upcoming IVF cycle.  As crappy as it is that we can't start right now, I wouldn't be able to anyways as soon as I wanted because I have to get my thyroid regulated first and this can take a month or so.  So this gives me some peace about things.

We know that everything in the end will work out.  It just isn't clear right now.  I will be a Mommy one way or another!!!  According to my sweet grandpa, he knows that there is a baby out there waiting for us!  I don't believe in "those kind of feelings/premonitions" but for some reason when my grandpa says these things, he's right! Kinda creepy but in a good way!=)  We have amazing family and friends who are super supportive and loving and without them we could get through this.  Things really do make sense now that my tests came back that my thyroid is elevated.  My body has been so out of wack that I just thought I was getting older and this is what it felt like.  The hot flashes are what clued me in and the weight gain.  Darn hormones!  It will all work out, I just have to trust in the Lord and believe that we will be parents!!!!!  God doesn't give us anything we can't handle...I just want to get to this point where I believe this.  

We appreciate all the prayers!!!!!  We need them.  I'm anxious for our appt on Friday at 8 am.  I will try to update you all sometime Friday, but depending on how I feel will depend on how soon I get to posting.  

Thank you again, for your continued support and for continuing to follow on my journey towards mommyhood!

~*STICKY BABY DUST TO ALL AND CONGRATS TO ALL THE NEW BFP'S AND BIRTHS OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL LITTLE ONES!*~

-LAUREN

..Where we stand in the IVF land..

Hello peeps!

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend.  I sure did.  I love my 3 day weekends...means more sleeping in for me!  I just wanted to update you all on where we stand in this IVF cycle.  AF never did show so today at 7 AM I went for bw/us.  Thankfully it was my Dr's day for morning monitoring so he was there to do the sono.  I was hoping for better news.  My lining is still too thin to start.  He feels that even giving me provera my body still won't have a period.  They took some extra blood to check my FSH level to see if they can tell more with this.  He wants to give my body the chance to start on it's own if possible.  This is the best case scenario.  But, we will know more this afternoon when the test results come back.  Regardless of the results, DH and I have a follow-up with my RE next Monday to discuss everything.  What protocol I will be on, how DH's SA turned out and just the details of where we go from here if we don't come to a plan by this afternoon. 

It's more waiting and I'm beginning to loose my patience.  This Lupron did a good thing for the Endo side of things, but in the baby making land, it's been the DEVIL!  My body should be back to normal by now and we aren't sure why it's so surpressed still.  It's ok to have a body be surpressed, but with a nice thick uterus (not too thick).  Too thin doesn't give the embryo the best place to implant.  So we want it to get thicker.

I'll post again when I know more.  Please keep us in your prayers.  I need to be patient and think postively about this.  I'm so ready.  We thank everyone for all your love and support!  It means the world to us!=)

Have a fabulous day!

Lauren

****FABULOUS NEWS****

I can't believe it has taken me this long to post an update on my wonderful bits of fabulous news!  I'm so excited to share this good news with all of you!  You know the job that I posted about last week that I interviewed for with the amazing infertility benefits? Well I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!:)  I found out literally about 5 minutes after I posted my last post.  I've just been so busy the past few days that I have had no time to post anything.  I started on Monday of this week and I absolutely LOVE the job!  I have a wonderful boss (thank you Jesus) and wonderful co-workers.  I couldn't have been more blessed with such a great job.  Everything should turn into permanent by the end of December/beginning of January as long as my background check comes back clear which it should and that they like me!:)  So far they do!  They keep making me promise that I will come back the next day.  Why wouldn't I?  I could never turn this job down.  They are wonderful to their employees and this makes me happy.  So on the job front, things are fantastic!!! 

Now to the IVF stuff.  Still no AF!!!!!!  I talked with my nurse and RE and they have scheduled me to come in on Tuesday for BW/US to see where things are at.  I think what they are looking for is to see if my body is still suppressed enough to skip AF and go straight into the IVF cycle.  I'm crossing my fingers this is the case.  I really don't want to take provera to get AF to start because this justs means more waiting that I'm sick of.  So hopefully Tuesday I will have a better idea of when this IVF cycle is actually going to start.  Hubby did his SA on Thursday so we are waiting on the results from that.  Hoping for a better report this time! So just some more waiting for right now!  This waiting sucks so bad.  I just want to know if we are having a baby next year or not!:)  But being patient is what I have to do if this is truly what I want right now and it sure is.  I'll update more next week after my appointment.

Found out how much COBRA will be.  OMG!!!!!!  It's so expensive.  For DH and I it's $1100 a month and for just me it's around $550 a month and this is just for medical.  Can you believe this?  So there is no way that we can afford COBRA for the two of us.  So what I'm thinking is we will cover just me and pay out-of-pocket for the IVF stuff for DH that falls under his lifetime maximum.  I need to verify how this works and how much it will cost to do it this way.  DH never goes to the Dr but I'm afraid that if he's not covered something will happen.  I was paying $420 a month for the tow of us so $100 difference isn't a huge deal for us.  We know that we want to continue this IVF cycle so we will do what we have to do to make it work.  I just can't believe how expensive this COBRA crap is.  How do they expect people on unemployment to be able to afford this?  You can't.

Things are going well.  I'm feeling good these days besides the weight gain from the Lupron.  I've gained between 8-10 lbs and miserable.  I've never been at this weight and I'm hoping that it goes away with time.  Baby weight is one thing, but Lupron weight gain is NOT ok.  GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!

Hope everyone has a great holiday weekend!:)  I know I will!  Shopping for new clothes that FIT!!!!!!!:)

Tootles!
xoxo
Lauren