..AF & BW/US appointment..

It's me, I'm still alive.  There hasn't been a whole lot to update on since we had been waiting for our new insurance to kick in.  Well, we are now fully insured again and we have infertility coverage that is a-MAZING!!!!  A lot has been discussed and decided between the hubs and I these past few months.  Being told that our best chance at conceiving was through Donor Egg IVF, we didn't put much thought into given my body another try.  Well, finding out my IVF coverage does NOT cover Donor, but covers 4 IVF cycles, we decided to give my body another try as long as our RE thinks it's worth a shot.  He gave us a 20% chance of conceiving with my eggs, so to me, 20% is better than a 0% chance!

AF showed up yesterday for the third month in a row on her own.  She showed up exactly 28 days from my last cycle.  Crazy that it's so regular now but yet my body doesn't work? Go figure.  I called my RE yesterday and spoke to my nurse.  I told her that we wanted to discuss the option of IVF with my eggs before proceeding on with Donor, so on Monday I am going in for CD3 BW/US to see how my hormone levels are and what my ovary looks likes.  He will then be able to base his decision off what he sees.  I've also been experiencing the endo pains again!  It seems like every year around this time it starts to get bad and I end up having surgery.  I really don't want surgery again so soon.  My only concern is, DH and I have decided to post-pone doing an IVF cycle until after we have bought a house which we are in the process of doing.  He wants to be established first (I understand this, but I'm not happy about it) so if we do decide to use my eggs, the longer we wait, the more my endo has the chance to make things even worse to where we could loose this chance.  I'm not making any decisions until I speak with my RE.  If we are indeed waiting a few months to start the next IVF cycle, I can't just let the endo go, I have to go on some type of treatment to prevent it from growing....NO LUPRON again...I don't care how well it worked, it was awful and I'm never doing it again.  So we have some decisions to make.

I have an appointment with my OBGYN on Wednesday for another follow up pap from my cryo surgery last May.  Crossing my fingers for a normal pap!  I also want to discuss my pain with her since she has been the one treating my endo since the beginning.  I will see what my RE says and then what she thinks and go from there.  I'm getting really sick of all this waiting.  Everybody that I started my IVF journey with all have babies now!  I think it's my turn next right?  I think so.  Adoption is still an option. "Just need the house first"!  So we are hoping to be in a house by Spring and then start an IVF cycle soon after.  I'm hoping my RE says it's best to try now because of how bad my endo is and how fast things are progressing.  But this doesn't mean that DH will go for it!  He's really hot and cold on this subject now and it's really frustrating.  You either want a baby or ya don't!  Which one is it buddy?  You should see him with niece....he's ridiculously in LOVE with HER!  I think he just needs to hear it from the DR that NOW is the best chance!  We'll see.

So, Monday at 7:30 AM is my BW/US and Wednesday at 12:15 PM is my appointment with my OBGYN.  I will post an update on Monday or Tuesday from Monday's appointment and then one for Wed's appointment hopefully that night.  No guarantees though, sorry!  I'm in school and it's kicking my butt!

I hope everyone is don't well!  Lots of BFP's out there....CONGRATS to all you ladies!:)

Have a great rest of the weekend!

-Lauren-

..Happy New Year!..

Happy New Year!!!!

Wishing for everyone's dreams to come true and no more dreams to be shattered!

2011 will be a year of many miracles and blessings!

Cheers to all the new Mommies out there and to all those waiting for their BFP!

This is going to be OUR year!

Much Love,

Lauren

..The Holidays..

Hello my virtual friends!  I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!  As hard as Christmas can be on those of us who are struggling with infertility, I had a really great Christmas!!!  Being with my niece was such a joy and was so special!  She truly has blessed my heart in more ways than I could have ever imagined!  She's the greatest!!!=)  I was lucky to spend Christmas eve with my wonderful in-laws and company.  Lots of food (too much food) and way too many presents.  Later Christmas Eve night, DH and drove to the airport to pick up my parents.  It was so great to see them!  We got to spend Christmas Day with them along with my Dad's side of the family!  We had a blast...lots of yummy food and lots of laughter!  So, I can say Christmas 2010 was wonderful!

As joyous as the Christmas season can be, it isn't for all of us.  A family in CA needs your prayers right now.  It's a friend of mines friend who's son went home to be with Jesus on Christmas Eve.  Baby Samuel was only 2.5 weeks old and passed away due to under developed lungs.  Please keep this family in your prayers as they grieve the loss of their precious son.  This story has truly touched my heart and my heart goes out to them!  You can find their story here!  God works in mysterious ways and sometimes we will never understand why he does things the way he does.

Dh & I Christmas Day - 2010

May God continue to bless you and your family in 2011!

Much love,

Lauren

..Come check out my Vlogs & new Facebook page..

I have entered the Vlogging world....for those of you who are unaware of what this is, "vlogging (vlogs) are YouTube video blogs.  So it's basically my blog in video's.  There are times when it's just easier for me to speak what's on my mind.  I've enjoyed getting to know my friends in the Vlog world and know how much I've enjoyed watching all their video's that I decided it was time I join in the fun...as fun as infertility is to talk about!=)

You can find me on YouTube at:
http://www.youtube.com/user/toosassy1979

I've also created a private Face book page where I am able to share my thoughts and concerns without being bashed by certain family members that I just can't deal with anymore.

You can find me on Face book under:
MrsCips Ttcjourney

Note: Please don't be offended if I don't except your friend request.  I'm only allowing certain people to be my friends to avoid the drama with these certain family members!  It's a page where I can feel free to talk to my other fellow IF friends about our IF experiences.


Here is a newly posted vlog from my YouTube page:

PLEASE SUBSCRIBE....I love all my YouTube friends!=)

Stay tuned for more vlogs...my DH got me a handy dandy video camera (something similar to the Flip but much better) for Christmas so I have lots of vlogs lined up for the New Year!

Thanks for your continued support and virtual friendship!

Lauren

..I'm Alive..

Hi everyone!!!!

I am so sorry for my lack of posts!  I've been so busy with school and life in general that I have neglected by bloggie and youtube friends!  We haven't made a decision yet on what we want to do in regards to having a baby.  We had to put things on hold till Jan when my job becomes permanent so that we have IF coverage again.  Then everything from tests to treatments will be covered except donor IVF!  We have a lot to think about.  We really want to buy a house before our lease is up the end of Feb and then try for a baby.  But there are somethings we have to consider..that if we try my eggs one or two more times, we can't wait forever because of my Endo growing and taking over.  I am not on any treatments right now for the Endo so I have no idea what is going on inside.  I am still having pains just not as intense for the most part.

AF has been weird and irregular.  I just had my first period last week without being induced by Provera.  I've had two periods since my my surgery last March.  The Lupron really screwed my body up.  I've been experiencing some joint/bone pain which is a side effect of Lupron which causes bone loss.  It also can lead to Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis.  I have been having an intense amount of pain in my right arm in my elbow area.  It hurts to type and the pain is radiating down to my fingers.  My arm is in a constant dull aching pain and goes in and out from feeling numb.  I knew this could happen, I just didn't realize it couldn't happen so soon or that it would even happen to me.  I'm 100% positive this is what it is, but I've never experienced this pain before and it started after I started taking Lupron.  So once I'm insured through work starting Jan. 10, I have to go see a Rheumatologist.  I'm just trying to take things one day at a time.

The Mock Embryo Transfer is where we left off with our treatments with our new RE.  So once Jan. comes, I'll be scheduling this procedure for sometime in Jan and get everything done we need to in order to start either IVF with my eggs or Donor Egg IVF.  If we do Donor Egg IVF, we have some additional things we have to complete but I don't want to do these until I know if we are going this route or not.

The holiday's are always hard!  I just pray that I am able to enjoy myself and just think of all the positives in my life.  It doesn't matter how hard I try to avoid pregnant woman, they are every where in my life and some days it makes me just want to SCREAM!  I'm very happy for those who are close to me who are either ttc or who are pregnant, but it doesn't take the pain away just because they are my friends or my family!  Those of you struggling with IF understand this pain I feel.

I have a lot to say but my arm/hand can't take anymore typing for tonight.  I'll do an update again soon.   Thanks everyone for your continued support and love!  Praying for everyone in their ttc journey!


Much love,
Lauren

..Kudos to the Hubby..

I know I am such a slacker at posting updates lately and I'm so sorry for leaving you all hanging.  Work is crazy busy and I don't have a lot of time to do my blog stuff while at work.

My appointment after finishing the Mock EEP Cycle went so great!  I had no idea how my body would respond to the Del Estrogen injections.  My hubby gives them to me because being a worrier, I wanted to make sure that they were done right so I didn't drive myself crazy worrying over every little thing.  He did such a fantastic job that my lining responded so well it was 8.5 mm.  This is wonderful! They like to see it at 8 or above.  This means I can carry a baby.  The thick uterine lining is the best place for the embryo to implant. So one thing is in our favor!  I started Provera later that night to induce my period which started this past Saturday.  The next step was suppose to be the Mock Embryo Transfer, but because I am in between health insurance plans, I have to wait until Jan unless I want to pay out-of-pocket which I don't.  So for now, we just let my body take it's natural course and figure out where we want to go from here.  I'm sad we can't move onto the next step, but it's the smartest choice and it will eventually happen.

We still have not discussed or decided on a plan of where we want to go with this baby stuff!  The adoption is still an option (the girl I told you about before still hasn't come through) and so is the Donor Egg IVF!  It's a tough conversation for me because my hubby stresses about money and I don't want to bring on more stress for him by asking what we should do mainly in regards with the DE IVF and the cost.  $30,000 is HUGE! Yes, it is SO worth it to have a baby but we both have to be in agreement with this choice. I know he is for it I'm just not sure when in his mind he thinks we should pursue it. I have to have this conversation with him soon because it's eating me alive inside. My stomach hurts, I have anxiety and I'm sad. I hate this loss I feel and the emptiness.  Trusting that I will be a Mom has been hard when months and months go by and no progress in this area.

I am part of a wonderful online support group that has been there for me and has gotten me through the tough times.  I decided to ask some of the gals in my IVF w/DE group how they were able to afford treatments.  I wasn't sure what to expect or what people would say.  God definitely heard my prayers and  a wonderful lady reached out to me with an amazing possibility of affording DE IVF!! It's something I would have never considered before.  Cycling abroad in Europe!!! It's hard to trust other countries when you don't know a lot about them, but I've done some research on the program and it sounds amazing.  I will be speaking with her on the phone on Thursday to discuss more details.  It would require a journey to the Czech Republic! :)  The cost is unbelievable and it's legit.  I'm excited to learn more about it and to figure out if this is something we want to pursue!  It's affordable and seems more realistic. I will explain more once I speak with her. I'm excited about this possibility and feel like God is truly opening doors for us that we never thought would be possible.  This is not a decision to make quickly. It requires time, prayer and research.  So far, I love what I see!

Hope everyone is doing well and congrats to all the BFP's and all the new birth's!

Much love,
Lauren

..Mock EEP Cycle..

So I forgot to mention in my last post that after my appointment on 10/5/10, I started the injections for the Mock EEP cycle.  Every three days I give myself an injection of Del estrogen straight in my booty.  Not the greatest feeling.  This goes on for about two weeks and this Tuesday I go in for blood work and an ultrasound to see how my uterine lining has responded.  They are looking for a thick lining around 8-9cm (I think cm...something like that).  If all looks good, then we move to the next step and do a mock embryo transfer to make sure that a catheter easily goes into my uterus to place the embryo.  It went smoothly the first time with my first IVF so I imagine this time will be the same.  With these two tests done, we will find out if my uterus is healthy enough to carry a baby!!!  Fingers crossed.  The side effects aren't too bad.  My boobs have grown and I may have gained some lbs (fluid retention), but other than that, nothing major.  I will post on Tuesday with an update on the results and if we are moving onto the mock embryo transfer.


I really don't have any new news on the possible adoption.  All we know is the girl is wishy washy and she doesn't know she wants.  We aren't giving up, we are just looking into other possibilities as well.  I never knew there were so many details when it came to adopting.  Foster care and state adoption is in the mix, just not sure what road we want to go down as of yet.  We are still aways away from the actual start of a donor cycle.  We aren't even sure yet that we want to do this right now.  We have more blood tests to complete, social worker to meet with (2x) which is required by our clinic, a pap smear (coming up in a week) and then the financing and choosing the donor.  Once we get to this point, once we have chosen our donor, we then have to wait for 2-3 more couples to choose the same donor to begin the IVF cycle.  So we have some time to decide.  We know we can't come up with $30,000 cash.  Financing it is definitely the only option.  More debt weights very heavy on us more on my husband so it's not easy to move forward with this plan.  If we adopt, we can foster-adopt which is free, or go down the birth mom route without an agency and the cost being roughly around $5,000-$10,000 which my work cover's $5,000.  Right now financially, adoption seems to be the best choice.  We are praying about it and just waiting for a clear answer.  It's hard to justify spending so much money on a child when if we could have one naturally, it would be FREE!!!  This is when I feel that the situation that we are in is UN-FAIR!!!!  Why me and why us?  God chose this way for us and we have to choose whether or not to accept it.  We do thankfully! =)  


The one comforting thing about choosing the Donor IVF first, is it's a Shared-Risk Guarantee Program.  This means 6 attempts at IVF with a donor and if after 6 try's you don't bring home a baby, you get a full  refund!  We aren't in this to get our money back, but knowing that if we invest the money and time into that many attempts, we get the money back and can try all over again!  


We will come to a decision soon.  Even if it doesn't happen till the new year, I'll feel better knowing our plan.  As far as how I'm doing, feeling, I'm ok.  I've had some pretty down days and I'm definitely grieving the loss of not having my own child!  It's the worst pain EVER!  No one prepares you for this kind of pain.  No one can take it away.  I feel crappy inside and out.  Since my surgery in March I have gained more weight than I ever have in my entire life.  Those of you who know me, may not even noticed it, but I do.  I'm uncomfortable when I sit, when I stand and when I sleep.  The extra lbs on my sides and my thighs is not the greatest.  I've been consistently in the range of between 115-120 maybe 122.  Now?????  133.  I've never hit the 130 mark in the 31 years I've been alive.  I know a lot of it is bloating from having endo, but still, that's a lot of weight and a huge change for me.  I don't care so much about the #, it's being uncomfortable that I hate.  I also can't keep going out and buying new clothes every month because nothing fits.  I just bought new work pants about a month ago and they are already tight when I sit down.  Jeans are an issue now so I'm probably going to have to invest in some new jeans again!  


Praying for guidance, strength, clarity, peace and contentment!


We appreciate everyone's prayers and support!  They mean a lot to us.  I know I say this a lot, but truly they do!

I hope everyone is doing well.

I'll post again on Tuesday when I have the results from my appointment.

Night night!

Lauren