..Saw you one day, didn't see you the next..

Being a first time IVF'er last summer/beginning of fall I didn't realize the impact a negative pregnancy test would have on me. I saw many (-)HPTs {home pregnancy tests} and just moved onto the next month hoping it would be our month. I never saw anything. Just a (-) on a cheapie pee stick. When you begin a journey of IVF no one tells you what to expect or what you will endure. They tell you the basics{they meaning the Drs}. Fortunately a good friend of mine from High School was going through similar infertility treatments and told me about this wonderful online support group called Daily Strength. This was a god send. It was a place for me to ask all my crazy, worried questions. Most of the woman had experience with IVF and they were a great resource to me. I had so many questions, concerns, and thoughts.

I am know to be a compulsive worrier! I worry about everything under the sun. I obsess over it till I'm sick! Thankfully, I'm being treated for the anxiety and it's been a tremendous help. I experienced a lot of emotions. Some very painful. The days leading up to my Egg Retrieval and Embryo Transfer were two of the hardest days. We started off with good news, to receive bad news the day of the transfer. We were left with only one surviving embryo. There were a combination of reasons of why only 1 survived and we are hoping with the change in my diet, and vitamins/supplements, it will help to improve my egg quality. That's just one of the many issues.

So back to my reason of my post. When conceiving "on your own", you don't see the embryo that you and your DH created. You could be pregnant and not even know it and it turn into a non-viable pregnancy. With IVF, you see the embryo/s. You see the amazing creation that is part of you and your husband. I did NOT KNOW I would get to see the embryo that they would implant into my uterus. How surreal is that? I went from just seeing negatives on pee sticks to actually seeing our baby! On the day of the transfer before the procedure starts, the Dr hands you a framed photo of the embryo/s that will be put in your uterus for implantation. I was in awe. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was our baby. It was part of me and part of my DH! It was the most incredible picture I had ever seen. Seeing this picture made it all so real. So not only have I seen (-) after (-) each month, now I'm seeing a "LIVE" embryo that may or may not make it! This was hard to accept. I then had to wait two weeks{TTW) to find out if the embryo survived. These were two of the hardest weeks I have ever experienced. I had a mental picture of the embryo becoming a viable pregnancy. Two weeks later, on 10/9/2009 I went in to my Clinic for my first beta{pregnancy blood test}. This was at 7am and I didn't find out the results till about 2pm. I'm sorry to say Lauren, but your not pregnant! I was devastated. I'll I could see was our embryo somewhere implanted in my uterus. But no, this miracle that we created didn't survive in my womb. I hated at that moment that I saw our embryo that was transferred. I wanted to go back in time and erase the moment we first saw the picture. I didn't want to know what it looked like. Hearing a (-) without seeing this precious little picture would have been much easier. It still would have been devastating after all the time, energy and money we spent in trying to make this work. I kept the picture on my nightstand for a long time. I looked at "her"{always felt it was a girl and so did my Mom} everyday and just cried. I told her how sorry I was that my uterus didn't embrace her and keep her. I felt like I had failed that my body had failed this amazing gift. So many thoughts ran through my head. One of the biggest questions I had was, where does the embryo go if it doesn't implant? Does your body absorb it or will I bleed out the embryo?

I didn't know how I was going to get through this. All I could do was think about when we could try again. At that time, waiting was not an option. I didn't care if my ovary was enlarged to about the size of a baseball, or that my body needed time to heal and rest. I just wanted our baby. Now that I look back 7 months later, I realize how important it was that we did wait. I needed time to grieve our loss. No one told me I would go through this process. It was awful. I was so so sad and I could barely get up the energy to move on. Seeing pregnant woman, or hearing of those in my family who just got their BFP's killed me. Especially when one was an accident. Here my husband and I are MARRIED and trying for a baby, but there are people who are not MARRIED and NOT trying and they get pregnant. How is this fair? I questioned everything. I questioned God the most. I did a lot of soul searching over these past 7 months and it's amazing to see where I am at today. I am at peace finally. I trust in God that this happened for a very important reason and that he would never purposely want me to be hurting. He was preparing me for this summer for our next IVF journey. This isn't about what my husband and I want, it's what God wants for our lives and there is no changing this. I've had to learn to trust all over again and believe that he will answer the desires of our hearts.

Knowing what I know now about the journey of IVF, I wish there would have been someone at my clinic who would have told me all of this. Sadly they don't. They don't have the time. Every story is different they say. This is why I started this blog. To help those first timers or to those who just need a friend who shares a similar story.

This blog is not easy for me. It's not easy sharing such a personal journey. Especially one that didn't end so happy. I debated and debated whether or not I want to share this picture with you all. But, there is just something about it that gives me that glimmer of hope! It really hits home when you stop at look at it at realize what a miracle it really is.

Here is our 1st little embryo:

created on 9/26/2009

Just a little background on this embryo:

* This is a 2-cell embryo. They typically transfer 4+ cell embryos. But since I was only left with one, they wanted to give it the best chance possible so they transferred it before it could divide again.

* The best stage to transfer an embryo is at the Blastocyst stage. For more information on Blastocysts, go here!

Day 5 Blastocyst

* Embryo Transfers typically happen between day 3 & day 5. In my situation they were afraid that my embryo would die before the transfer so they decided it was best to do a 2 day transfer with the hopes that the embryo would continue to divide once implanted.

IVF is an incredible journey! It's amazing to be able to see the process up close and personal. I feel blessed to have been given this opportunity and even more blessed that we have been given another chance. Praying for God's will everyday!

Don't give up hope! This will happen for you.

BABY DUST TO ALL!