..oh the moodiness..

Yesterday I had my 2nd Lupron Depot shot. Ouch! The nurse really knows how to jab that long needle right into my muscle in my booty! My DH does them so much better. They require me to come in which is so lame when my DH knows how to do them...he gave me these same kind of shots except they were progesterone for 2 weeks and they still say I have to come in. So irritating. So 2 down and 1 more to go on June 23. We are getting closer and closer to July and I'm more excited than ever.

Overall, the side effects have been mild. Nothing too out of control. Well I've noticed over the past week or so that my mood has changed. I'm irritated easily and my DH really gets on my nerves. I'm fine when I'm at work, and then as soon as I get home I'm so pissy and just want to be left alone. All I feel like doing is screaming or yelling at someone. It's pretty intense. I've had to walk away from a few situations to calm down and so far it's working. My walks definitely help. People just in general are irritating me. I'm already an emotional person and my emotions are out of control right now. I'm thinking it's probably because of the Lupron. I can't find any other reason why. Everything in my life is going well and there is no real reason for me to feel so down. I'm coping with the moodiness pretty well and DH seems to be ok with it. He keeps asking me "are you in a mood" and I say no because I don't want to start anything. I hate when he asks this..his Mom asks me the same thing and it's so annoying to me. No need to ask this stupid question in my opinion. All it does is put me in more of a mood. My body has had a month to process the Lupron and they say the 2nd-3rd month gets better so we'll see.

I was scheduled to have my 2nd cryo surgery tomorrow to remove precancerous cells from my cervix, but I had to reschedule for next Wednesday at noon. I'm nervous again because it's was really uncomfortable last time and it hurt. I'm hoping this time is better. I'm one of those individuals who did NOT get this from HPV thank the Lord. I just have them and we don't know why. The only thing that really bothers me about the procedure, is the more times you have it, the harder it is for your cervix to dilate. Most woman end up having c-sections because their cervix won't dilate past 1-2. This is ok with me. As much as I want to have the experience of child birth, I know what it feels like to be cut open and what the recovery is like so I know I can handle it. Maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones and actually fully dilate!

Other than that, I'm doing pretty good. I'm super hungry lately which is driving me crazy! I sit at my desk for 8 hours and I'll I want to do is snack and snack on bad stuff! I feel good and that is what matters.

I just want August to be here. I want to know if we are having our baby or not! I pray this is our time! Please Lord!

Hope everyone is doing well!

Lauren

..worrying and the what-ifs..

Hi blog friends!
I hope everyone had a nice weekend.
I've been off-track this past week and I can feel it!
Today is a new day and focused on being more disciplined.

I didn't do terrible, I just had a harder time sticking to my IVF diet due to our busy weekend last weekend and no grocery shopping. It was hard to find things that I could eat that followed my IVF diet. Haven't had the chance to walk and it's driving me crazy! The freaking rain just won't stop. I hate working out in doors, but at this point, I don't think I have much choice. It's gloomy out right now so I have no clue what I'm going to do tonight.

For the most part I still feel really positive and hopeful about things. I'm really trying to stay focused. Sadly, the doubt and worry slip in here and there. This weekend was hard. I don't know why. I was more emotional and kept thinking about if this doesn't work, how am I going to feel and how am I going to deal with the sadness and heartache? It's a feeling I never want to feel again. I'm constantly looking at the future and what our lives will be like in the next 9 months if I do become pregnant. They are HAPPY thoughts and these are the thoughts that I hold onto tight. I don't want them to go away. They feel real and they bring me so much peace. The months/days leading up to an IVF cycle are so exciting. You don't know the outcome yet and all you can focus on is the possibility of this really working. The fear sets in and all you can do is just hold on and ride the roller coaster that you pray ends in a BFP! I know it's out of my control what the outcome is. I just wish I knew how it would turn out. I'm terrified of the feelings I will feel if it doesn't work.

It might not be so terrifying if I knew we could try again right away. But I don't know if we can. It all depends on how much this cycle costs and if we have $$$ left over. Otherwise, we have to find $20,000 to fund 6 more cycles. I just have to remember that it's normal to have these feelings and there is nothing I can do to change the situation. I have to keep trusting in God and trust that he will listen to our prayers and answer the desires of my heart.

All I keep thinking about is hearing the news "congrats your pregnant" and how it will all feel! Last night I had a visual of me having our baby and my husband seeing him/her for the first time. It was the most precious sight ever!=) I can't wait for this day!

Overall, I'm doing great! Lots of exciting things happening and I look forward to what God has in store for us!

***NEGATIVE THINKING NOT ALLOWED***
***BRING ON THE POSITIVITY***

STICKY BABY DUST TO ALL!!!!!

Lauren

..Topic: IVF babies shouldn't get babyshowers!..

So yesterday on my way to work I was listening to the radio(99.5 the Kane Show) and the topic of IVF babies and baby showers came up. This lady called in asking for their opinion if it was right or not that her friend was having a baby shower for her baby that was made through IVF! I was appalled. I couldn't believe what she was saying. She stated that she thinks that IVF babies are not worthy of baby showers because they were conceived in a dish. Are you freaking kidding me? It's a BABY no matter how it was conceived or where it came from. It's a miracle and a blessing that couples are able to have a child through IVF. The baby is no different than one conceived naturally. I hate the way some people view infertility treatments. Just makes me sick.

I know for my husband and I, we are blessed to have been given another opportunity to try IVF again. We are one of those unlucky couples who cannot conceive naturally and without infertility treatments, we would not be able to have a child of our own. How can this be considered wrong? My husbands family is very Catholic. I was baptized Catholic about a year ago to be married in a Catholic Church with a full mass. I was raised protestant and still consider myself a protestant. I had to go through 9 months of classes in order to be baptized. Of course the topic of birth control and conceiving came up. Birth Control is looked down upon and IVF is not accepted. They believe that if God wanted you and your husband to have children, you would. If your infertile, seeking out infertility treatments is against what the Catholic church believes. They believe you should accept not being able to have children and accept your life without them. I think adoption is ok in the Catholic Church, but I'm not positive. Knowing this information, it makes me really nervous and uncomfortable for his family members to find out how we conceived our child. It's not that we want to keep it a secret, we just don't want to hear their opinions in how wrong we are. It's not about them, it's about what my husband and I want and what we believe. His close family members, are supportive and my family is very supportive. Ignorant people really bother me and however my baby is conceived it deserves to be celebrated! My apologies if I have explained wrong what Catholics believe . This is what I was taught from the Church I was married in. I don't have bad things to say about the Catholic faith, I just don't agree with some of their teachings.

I hope that people can be more accepting of babies born by infertility treatments. It's such a controversial issue and it really shouldn't be. Thankfully, for the most part the people that I have shared my story with understand and support us. Our baby will be just as loved as if it were conceived naturally!

It's my journey, my decision and my choice to go down this path of IVF and I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't think this is what God wanted for us! I truly believe this. This wasn't an easy decision to make. We are so excited for this next journey and are ready to embrace everything that comes with it!

Lauren

..July 2nd, 2010..

::I am so happy to report that I officially have a date for my 1st appointment for IVF#2 with our new Clinic::

July 2nd, 2010 @ 1:00pm!=)

I have a day to finally countdown to. This makes it feel so much more real! New health insurance{finally}, new RE{thank you Jesus} and new::attitude::things are looking good!

I'm hoping that since my system is already shutdown by the Loestrin 24{BCP} and the Lupron shot that I won't have to do the two week suppression before my stims{injections} would start. If I go on 7/2 for my 1st appointment and I don't have to do the suppression, then when we got back from CALI on 7/18 my cycle could most likely start that week once my period starts.

Just to make my little brain happy, here is what my cycle could look like tentatively:

Micro-dose Lupron Protocol:
7/2/2010: Consultation with new fertility clinic
7/15/2010: Stop BCP to let AF start
7/19/2010: First Baseline U/S & BW appointment
If all looks good, start stims that night for roughly 2 weeks
8/1-8/6: Tentative ER date
8/1-8/6: Tentative ET date
8/15-8/20: 1st Beta
EDD: May 2011 Baby

I most likely know that I will be on the Micro-does Lupron protocol based on what my last Re told me and explained to me. That the Antagon Protocol did not work, so next we try a more aggressive approach with the Micro-dose Lupron protocol due to my Premature Ovarian Failure. But this could change. I don't care what protocol I'm on, I just want to get our BFP!

Feeling pretty good today. Not as bloated thankfully - it was starting to make me not very hungry. I could barely eat dinner last night. So I hope tonight I have a better appetite.

The countwdown is on: 45 days till my appointment.

::If you share a similar story being diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure and had a successul IVF, I would love to know what protocol you were on and which one's didn't work for you. Feel free to leave me a comment or email me::

Thanks for your continuted support!

Lauren

..I feel gReAt..

I haven't had the chance to give an update in a few days and I miss posting. It's Monday and I typically HATE Monday's because I feel so crappy, but I don't feel so bad today. I'm tired but that is probably my only complaint. Well, I have some serious bloating going on which is making me look like I'm about 3 months pregnant but it's nothing I can't handle. hehe

Day 13
I was able to get my walk in thanks to the rain letting up. I didn't realize what a difference the walking has made. It helps so much with my bloating. We went to CPK for dinner and I did pretty well with my food choice - pasta that seemed to be pretty healthy. But of course got a darn flavored iced tea and this is cheating to me. It is so hard to not drink caffeine. I know that it's ok to have some right now, I just want to get my body prepared for when I am pregnant so it's not such a shock. So I've definitely cut down, I would say I may have caffeine about 3-4 times a week. I don't think that's so bad.

Day 14-16
My parents are in town so we spent the weekend with them at their TownHouse here in VA. I knew that it would be hard to stick to my IVF diet but figured hey, they are in town for such a short time, we are celebrating mother's day I can splurge a little. I felt soooooooooo crappy all weekend! Everything I ate made me feel so tired and gave me the worst bloated gut all weekend. I was so uncomfortable I was like NO MORE FOOD PLEASE.

Friday night we had Italian. I ordered a pomodoro pasta that is suppose to be healthy and I did ok with it. Sat lunch was Five Guys{bloating began}, Italian again for dinner another big mistake. I thought I was going to fart out my entire insides I was so bloated and gassy inside. I even walked for an hour on Sat. and I still felt this crappy. I woke up Sunday morning still bloated but it had gone down some. We had chipotle for lunch was ok, then Italian again for mother's day haha!=) Can you tell we love Italian? This actually agreed with me. I was bloated still but not neither as bad. I wasn't eating my normal breakfasts foods and I know this wasn't helping.

Not being on my routine really affects my body now. This is a good thing because this means the changes that I have made are working. I'm proud of myself for sticking with this. It's not easy giving up foods that I love so much, but if it means we get our baby, I'll do anything!!!!! We are so excited for this next chapter in our lives. We are sooooooo ready! Everything is just falling into place so nicely. Everything just feels right.

We have one more night out with the rents and fam for dinner tonight and I'm hoping they have something healthy but substantial on the menu that won't make me feel so dang bloated. Back to my whole routine tomorrow. Of course it has to be raining again. Thread mill may be my friend this week!=(

For the most part, I am still very hopeful and positive about things. Every once in awhile the doubt slips in but I make it go away pretty quickly. No matter how much I worry about things, it's not going to change the outcome. It's hard to let God take control. To trust that He knows best and that his timing is the right timing. I've never been more hopeful or positive about anything before until now. I won't deny that I'm not afraid of another BFN! I'm terrified! I day dream about our little family every night before I go to sleep as I'm lying in bed. It's what puts me to sleep. This is a happy time for me. Seeing our baby with us in our new house{which the house thing is actually happening} is the greatest visual for me. Seeing my hubby with our little {girl} is the most priceless picture! I just love it!=)

We have been given an amazing gift from my parents for a down payment for a house and this makes everything feel so surreal. We wanted nothing more than to have our first home together by the time our baby was born. It's actually going to happen. We are paying off a credit card and hope to be looking at houses in the next week or two. So you could say that we are doing great and on cloud 9 right now! Everything feels so right finally.

We are ready to embrace this next step in our lives of raising a child. We just pray that everything goes smoothly and that there are no complications in the process of getting to our BFP!

I called our new Fertility Clinic today to see if they have the July schedule up just yet and I'm just waiting for a call back. I'm so anxious to get this new patient appointment set up. I want the date to be able to count down to! haha

I hope everyone is doing well.

Keep the faith, don't loose hope and trust in the Lord!

Lauren

..Saw you one day, didn't see you the next..

Being a first time IVF'er last summer/beginning of fall I didn't realize the impact a negative pregnancy test would have on me. I saw many (-)HPTs {home pregnancy tests} and just moved onto the next month hoping it would be our month. I never saw anything. Just a (-) on a cheapie pee stick. When you begin a journey of IVF no one tells you what to expect or what you will endure. They tell you the basics{they meaning the Drs}. Fortunately a good friend of mine from High School was going through similar infertility treatments and told me about this wonderful online support group called Daily Strength. This was a god send. It was a place for me to ask all my crazy, worried questions. Most of the woman had experience with IVF and they were a great resource to me. I had so many questions, concerns, and thoughts.

I am know to be a compulsive worrier! I worry about everything under the sun. I obsess over it till I'm sick! Thankfully, I'm being treated for the anxiety and it's been a tremendous help. I experienced a lot of emotions. Some very painful. The days leading up to my Egg Retrieval and Embryo Transfer were two of the hardest days. We started off with good news, to receive bad news the day of the transfer. We were left with only one surviving embryo. There were a combination of reasons of why only 1 survived and we are hoping with the change in my diet, and vitamins/supplements, it will help to improve my egg quality. That's just one of the many issues.

So back to my reason of my post. When conceiving "on your own", you don't see the embryo that you and your DH created. You could be pregnant and not even know it and it turn into a non-viable pregnancy. With IVF, you see the embryo/s. You see the amazing creation that is part of you and your husband. I did NOT KNOW I would get to see the embryo that they would implant into my uterus. How surreal is that? I went from just seeing negatives on pee sticks to actually seeing our baby! On the day of the transfer before the procedure starts, the Dr hands you a framed photo of the embryo/s that will be put in your uterus for implantation. I was in awe. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was our baby. It was part of me and part of my DH! It was the most incredible picture I had ever seen. Seeing this picture made it all so real. So not only have I seen (-) after (-) each month, now I'm seeing a "LIVE" embryo that may or may not make it! This was hard to accept. I then had to wait two weeks{TTW) to find out if the embryo survived. These were two of the hardest weeks I have ever experienced. I had a mental picture of the embryo becoming a viable pregnancy. Two weeks later, on 10/9/2009 I went in to my Clinic for my first beta{pregnancy blood test}. This was at 7am and I didn't find out the results till about 2pm. I'm sorry to say Lauren, but your not pregnant! I was devastated. I'll I could see was our embryo somewhere implanted in my uterus. But no, this miracle that we created didn't survive in my womb. I hated at that moment that I saw our embryo that was transferred. I wanted to go back in time and erase the moment we first saw the picture. I didn't want to know what it looked like. Hearing a (-) without seeing this precious little picture would have been much easier. It still would have been devastating after all the time, energy and money we spent in trying to make this work. I kept the picture on my nightstand for a long time. I looked at "her"{always felt it was a girl and so did my Mom} everyday and just cried. I told her how sorry I was that my uterus didn't embrace her and keep her. I felt like I had failed that my body had failed this amazing gift. So many thoughts ran through my head. One of the biggest questions I had was, where does the embryo go if it doesn't implant? Does your body absorb it or will I bleed out the embryo?

I didn't know how I was going to get through this. All I could do was think about when we could try again. At that time, waiting was not an option. I didn't care if my ovary was enlarged to about the size of a baseball, or that my body needed time to heal and rest. I just wanted our baby. Now that I look back 7 months later, I realize how important it was that we did wait. I needed time to grieve our loss. No one told me I would go through this process. It was awful. I was so so sad and I could barely get up the energy to move on. Seeing pregnant woman, or hearing of those in my family who just got their BFP's killed me. Especially when one was an accident. Here my husband and I are MARRIED and trying for a baby, but there are people who are not MARRIED and NOT trying and they get pregnant. How is this fair? I questioned everything. I questioned God the most. I did a lot of soul searching over these past 7 months and it's amazing to see where I am at today. I am at peace finally. I trust in God that this happened for a very important reason and that he would never purposely want me to be hurting. He was preparing me for this summer for our next IVF journey. This isn't about what my husband and I want, it's what God wants for our lives and there is no changing this. I've had to learn to trust all over again and believe that he will answer the desires of our hearts.

Knowing what I know now about the journey of IVF, I wish there would have been someone at my clinic who would have told me all of this. Sadly they don't. They don't have the time. Every story is different they say. This is why I started this blog. To help those first timers or to those who just need a friend who shares a similar story.

This blog is not easy for me. It's not easy sharing such a personal journey. Especially one that didn't end so happy. I debated and debated whether or not I want to share this picture with you all. But, there is just something about it that gives me that glimmer of hope! It really hits home when you stop at look at it at realize what a miracle it really is.

Here is our 1st little embryo:

created on 9/26/2009

Just a little background on this embryo:

* This is a 2-cell embryo. They typically transfer 4+ cell embryos. But since I was only left with one, they wanted to give it the best chance possible so they transferred it before it could divide again.

* The best stage to transfer an embryo is at the Blastocyst stage. For more information on Blastocysts, go here!

Day 5 Blastocyst

* Embryo Transfers typically happen between day 3 & day 5. In my situation they were afraid that my embryo would die before the transfer so they decided it was best to do a 2 day transfer with the hopes that the embryo would continue to divide once implanted.

IVF is an incredible journey! It's amazing to be able to see the process up close and personal. I feel blessed to have been given this opportunity and even more blessed that we have been given another chance. Praying for God's will everyday!

Don't give up hope! This will happen for you.

BABY DUST TO ALL!

..Amazed at what words can do..

I started this new blog as a way to express my feelings and a way to reach out to others. Well it has. I have received some of the nicest comments about how inspiring I am! I never thought in a million years I would hear such things or even get this kind of feedback. It truly shows me the impact it has on others when we share our personal journeys of IF. I'm not one who goes around looking for compliments or for positive feedback on things that I do. It's not easy to share a journey of infertility. Infertility is a very lonely journey and not a lot of people understand this. Never in a million years did I think I would be dealing with this. I've accepted it. This has not been easy. I know that there is nothing I can do to change it. God has me in this situation for a reason and I'm confident that he will answer the desires of our hearts! You have to BELIEVE! It's that simple. God doesn't want me to suffer, nor does he want you to suffer. He is here to take on our burdens to allow us to live in peace. Just BELIEVE and you shall RECEIVE!

I thought I would share a few of the messages/comments I have received that mean so much to me. The names of those who wrote the messages are left out for privacy reasons.

They mean so much to me:

"I am so glad you have a plan - very empowering. I have my fingers crossed for your summer cycle. I just want it to work for you so badly! You have worked so hard for it (and continue to!) "


"I am so proud of you :) Keep up the great work and the rest will fall into place. You are so inspiring. Go you!!!!! I will keep you in my prayers."


"Lauren, I'm so glad to hear you are up walking and feeling better! You are such an inspiration. God bless!!!"


"So glad to hear things are going better for you. (sorry about your shots that make you sick ) but I love your attitude and outlook on this upcoming IVF. I am so excited with you and for you :) You are doing everything right and God is in the process of making everything perfect for you and DH. I am wishing you the best of luck and will keep you in my prayers.If you ever need a friend I will always be here for you :)"


"love reading your posts. You have such faith and enthusiasm. I know this will happen for you. You are still so young and have a lot of time to get healthy and conceive. I know your time will come soon. :)"


"Wow, Wow, Wow!!! You have a plan and a fabulous fabulous attitude. I love it! You have every right to be down in the dumps but you never are.


"I really hope that this is your time, July will be here before you know it, and you have a lot of things to keep you busy till then. I hope the lupron depo side effects go away soon, my friend had those and she didn't care too much for them either."


"Looking forward to your updates. Much love & hugs to you...... :)"


"So I just wanted to let you know that I am so proud of your new blog. I know you went through a tough time the first time around. I am sure you are really helping out many woman out there who have questions upon questions. Reading someones blog who has gone through the process once before is extremely helpful."


Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments/messages! They mean so much to me!